It has been 14 years of hope, heartache, stress, happiness, moving on, falling back, letting go, holding on. It has been 14 years of words of discouragement but acts of hope and healing. Most days I’ve learned to hang on to those acts of hope. I’ve learned to keep my head up, to stay in prayer, to believe that God will fulfill His promise. Then there are days like today where holding on is the hardest thing to do. Days like these deserves tears and anger. It deserves frustration and disbelief. It deserves angst and depression. Days like these deserves complete darkness. Continue reading “Medically Impossible”
Every day I am awestruck at my little guy’s growth. I remember him being a roly poly two month old with the bluest of eyes and the cutest old man smile. He would clasp his hands before he’d eat or sleep as if he was shooting a quick prayer out. He’d literally fart everywhere and anytime. He had one of the worst eczema I’ve seen on a baby. And he had absolutely no hair.
Fast forward four months later and I thank God every day. He’s steadily grown both length and weight. He continues to be the happiest baby with his circumstances. His eczema is nearly nonexistent. He eats solids, rolls and sorta crawls everywhere and, I kid you not, I swear says mama.
I wish I could say we’ll get to spend his first birthday with him but I can’t. And since I can’t I’m celebrating today with him. Celebrating the life that God has given us to love, nurture and protect. Celebrating the wonders of his ever present growth and learning. Celebrating that today we have him.
Happy Half Birthday my sweet love bug. Where ever you are may you always remember our love for you. May you always remember God’s grace and love. May you always feel loved and secure. May you have many, many half birthdays to come. All of our love.
I sat in a room at the urgent care the other day and I bawled my eyes out. Last week we had to be seen by a doctor every day for my little boy. Appointment after appointment we find relief for a few hours than the retractions begin, the cough that sounds like he’s choking starts, and my helplessness is intensified. After three months and multiple doctors my emotions spilled over.
How do you ever feel like you’re doing enough for your child? Since we brought him home it has felt like we’ve not done anything right. He’s been sick since the day we said yes and nothing has combatted that fact. No cold mist humidifier. No Vick’s. No steamed bathrooms. No essential oils. No constant nose suctioning. No hospital stays or ER visits. Nothing. Continue reading “A Written Story”
This week was a mix of emotions. But, no matter how down or how broken I felt one thing always helped: watching my boy grow, explore, learn, smile. I’ve learned that through all of the rigamaroo of the fostering system, no matter how uncertain the path is, all of this – the emotions, the back and forth, the uncertainty – is made worthwhile by loving this baby. And this week, we loved him through a sweet potato caked face. Continue reading “Introducing Solids”
Being a teacher for the mPact Rainbows does a lot of things for me. For one it teaches me how to be patient. Two, it teaches me to loosen up. But, most of all, it teaches me the same lessons as I teach them every week. And this week, I’ve been convicted.
I’ve talked about the visitations for my little one a few times now. I’ve shared excitement and dread. I’ve shared my fears and heartache about the situation. Well, there is a new feeling that has surfaced: anger. Continue reading “A Butterfly Affect”
I often think about your future. Not because I want to control what the next few days, weeks, or months will be. But, simply because these last two months I’ve watched you grow and I can already see the blessings God has in store for you. With a wrinkle in time I can see your first crawl, the first time you take your first step, when I first hear, “Mama.” Continue reading “Wrinkle In Time”
The first week of visitations is over. The biggest sigh of relief hit my beaten body when the clock struck 3p on Wednesday afternoon. We made it through the week. Even still, why do I feel defeated, worn, like I just walked through a field of landmines?
I knew that I would fall fast and hard for any child that came into my home. That is who I am. I love deep. I love hard. I love with all my heart can offer. And when I got the call to pick up a little boy needing a home I was there in a flash. When we locked eyes and his baby blues looked at me and he smiled I was hooked. Continue reading “Standing with Faith”
I’ve had some time to think about visitation. And, I was wrong. Not because I had feelings. But, because instead of trusting and relying on God through this I took it upon myself to complain and gripe about whether or not the state is doing what they should be doing to protect my little guy.
As a newbie in the foster parent role I really don’t know what to expect when it comes to bio parents and visitations. Heck, I don’t know what to expect on anything. I gather a lot of the foster parents – no matter how seasoned they are – don’t know what to expect. Continue reading “Revisiting Visitation”
Being Sunday I didn’t expect to get a call from a visitation specialist. But, lo and behold, JB called to set up the initial visitations between bio mom and our little guy. I was content watching my movie and finally, for once in quite a long time, enjoying some actual me time. That came to a screeching halt.
Two days. Four hours. Every week.
I could only utter, “God.”
I hung up the phone my emotions warring within me. I had to take steady breaths, listen to my heart beat, find my footing. I tried to pray but I could only utter, “God.” Continue reading “Visitation”