A Letter of Absence

Hi Dad,

I’ve thought of you today. I saw you in the cars passing. The music playing in the stores. The music playing in my home. As I sit here listening to the rhythmic breathing of my baby boy I think of you. 

Four years ago seems like a lifetime doesn’t it? I still struggle with the guilt of not going home early enough to tell you goodbye. Listening on the phone that you took your last breath still haunts me. I never thought I’d have to live my life without you or mom. It’s been four long years, Daddy. And today, especially today, I miss you so much. I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

But, Dad, I want to share something with you. We did it, Daddy. Jeremy and I were able to get through the licensing process and become Foster to Adopt parents. We opened the door to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever laid eyes on. For the last three weeks our little family has been Jeremy, baby and I. And I wish you were here to be a part of that.

We aren’t guaranteed that this little guy will be our forever baby. But, we do treat him as if he is. And guess what? You’ll live on through him. He loves the Beatles like you did. He just loves music. We watch the Beat Bugs on Netflix and he adores them. Probably the only thing that can calm him down outside of being in my arms. They only sing Beatles’ songs on that show and I like it that way. Baby and I have a hoot of a time singing a long.

He already loves his football and basketball. Or at least appears to. The first night we brought him home he was crying like a mad man. I turned around so he could see the TV and he instantly stopped crying. Basketball was on. More specifically, your boy LeBron and company. Maybe he’ll be the next best SF in the NBA? Or, maybe he’ll be a running back. He’s certainly built to play football. He watched the Super Bowl with us. But, he won’t follow suite in liking the Pats like Braddah. Sorry, he’s not going to be a Rams fan either. You know in my house it’s all about the green and yellow.

He smiles and googly giggles a lot. The last few days he’s also been a chatty Cathy. At 3 1/2 months old he insists in talking stories. Kinda like you huh? Or his mama when I’m comfortable with the people around me. He insists in a lot of things actually. Like sitting up. He’s not too fond of tummy time or lying on his back. He is persistent in gagging himself on the daily by shoving his whole fist in his mouth. And he maintains the need to have Flopsy hang out with him often. He knows what he wants, that one.

He’s my love bug and you would fall in love with him too. One day I hope he’ll get to learn to play your baby or the uke you made me. Songs like Under the Boardwalk or Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree or Top of the World will be must haves to learn in his life. And of course cooking. Always the food to bring it all together, to bring us all together.

I wish he could have met you. He’d like you. And your Donald Duck impersonation. Or the nickname you would have given him (he’s already got quite a few). Hope you’re singing with the angels tonight.

With all of my love,
Honey Girl


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