A Lettered Update

Hi Jax,

Can you believe it? It’s been three years since we said goodbye. Sometimes, especially right now as I fight to be a mama, it feels like it was just yesterday.

The talk right now is all about transparency and I think about you. Mainly because I was transparent in regards to my grief from losing you and suddenly it feels like I’m being penalized for it. I was transparent that I hurt. I was transparent that I love you so. I was transparent that I broke. I was transparent that I became unresponsive. So, why is it so hard for them to move past your loss?

I have. It sounds a little cold as I reread that sentence. I have. It’s not that I have forgotten you. No, my sweet boy, I will never forget you. It’s just that I’ve learned to let you go. I’ve learned to be able to open my eyes and take a step forward each day. I’ve learned to take a breath and live my life without you. I’ve learned that it’s okay to love my life even when you’re not a part of it.

That’s all transparency.

But, now transparency seems to be biting me in my butt. Did I tell the licensor too much about my tattered past? Was I too honest? Too blunt? To willing to give them information to ensure they knew I wasn’t going to hide? I wanted them to know that I was okay, better than okay after losing you. I am healed. So, why then are they judging me for who I was three years ago?

I was never much for transparency, Jax. I’ve built such high walls that I’m still trying to bring them down. And let me tell you, it isn’t easy. There is no door, gate, shortcut to get over them. But, during this Foster to Adopt process I wanted to be transparent. It was important for both me and your dad to be. We have such a storied past, we didn’t want it to mean the difference in starting a family or not by not being completely honest.

And now, now the transparency seems to have been too much. Now I have to be cleared by a therapist, which makes me feel like the state is in fact saying I’m crazy. Even if I know it’s for the best interest of the little ones coming into our home, it’s my feelings nonetheless. Finding a therapist that will consult is proving even more difficult, Jax. Why can’t they just let me be a mama?

I wish you were a part of this process. Wouldn’t it be fun to be a big brother, run around and enjoy the little one? You’d be mama’s little helper like I always imagined you’d be.

I want this more than anything, Jax. Could you tell them from Heaven that I’m okay? Today should be proof right? My heart is saddened knowing I don’t have my son to hold, but I’m living my life. I’m okay. I just have so much love to give to the little ones and that’s all I want to do. Put in a good word for me will ya?

Love you Jax.

Always,
Mama
xoxo

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