July 1, 2017
We are headed to camp. I wanted to bring a little one with me but we are still waiting. I remember the days going on camping trips with my parents. My dad would teach us how to fish. We would pop fireworks in manini’s. Ya, my siblings and are were pretty evil. I remember once being on the other side of the island, camping and enjoying the beach. Then seeing the rain usher itself in from sea. One of the most beautiful things you can see. I would love to share that with my little one. Dammit DSHS, come on!
July 2, 2017
Day two of camp. Of course no word has come in. I know this because my licensor is still on vacation. But, that doesn’t keep me from having my phone charged. That doesn’t keep me from checking my emails almost constantly. The girls are in the water. I floated some. But, now I’m on the shore just watching everyone. Watching the kids laugh and play. My heart still longs for you little one. I promise you I’m fighting for you. Everything I do is now for you. Lord, and for You. I know You promised me a family. Your will be done. Also, maybe give me more patience. I don’t want this month about patience too. But, I still kinda may need it. I’m going nutsos just waiting. I’m not very good at the waiting game.
July 3, 2017
Camp is over. We are almost done packing. Where has the time gone? Not having a little one here helped the packing go quicker, but what I would give to have had to worry where the little one was off too, or to have them buckled in a carrier against me.
We finally made it home. I am so pooped. I think I slept the whole ride home after barely sleeping at camp. I forgot this was the weekend of the rodeo. The one I was so excited to bring a little one to dressed in top country gear. Maybe next year? Maybe. Until then, I keep telling myself only 48 hours more until we may possibly hear something. I’ve decided to binge on Netflix to pass the time.
July 4, 2017
Happy Independence Day! How will my kiddo have fun on the 4th of July if I can’t go outdoors? Asthma, you suck balls. One more day. Maybe then we will hear something?
July 5, 2017
Today is the day I needed to wait for. The day when my licensor came back from his bloody vacation. And yes, I know people deserve vacations. I do know that. I have had people ingrain that into my head regarding my work like for years. So, you know, I get it. But, merciful days, this waiting is killing me. I’ve checked my email on the hour, every hour. Where are you, JO?
I don’t know how many times I have climbed those dungeon steps for phone service. Three times? Maybe six? Problem more. I’ll sit at the steps near the mail box and watch my phone go from No Service to 4G to LTE. I look at my call log. No missed calls. No voicemails. I pull up my email. Four emails. None from Washington’s DSHS. I’m trying Lord, but I just want this so much.
July 6, 2017
Another day of waiting. I thought about emailing you, JO, but I know being gone for so long you’re probably inundated with emails. Can I just tell you that today my case is more important than everyone else’s? I know it isn’t. But, it’s my case, my longing, my need for the world to right itself.
It’s so hot on these steps. I’ve been here so much times today. Mostly because we’ve had so much deliveries. But, I swear there has to be some change made to send to either my voicemail or inbox, right? What is taking so long? Two weeks turning into six weeks doesn’t make a lick of sense. You won’t find a more loving mom, JO. I was told if anything I love too deeply. I do. Everything becomes a part of me. I’ll be ok. Just give me the bloody chance. I can do this.
July 7, 2017
Gah! A whole week, well really a few days. And crickets. Actually, what is quieter than crickets? Because whatever is quieter is what it has been. I was hoping today would be the day I would hear some news but no such luck. I wanted this diary to be like, hey! look how it went from ugh let me hear something to tada we have heard something!
Little one just know this…
The worst part in life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for. And you, my dear child, you’re worth waiting for. To the moon and back. xoxo