Beyond Thorough

I am great at creating the worst possible scenarios in my head. I think a lot of times it just really has to do with the need in planning for all possible solutions and outcomes. Today though, today I didn’t plan.

I had gotten into work ready to get the day over with. I walked into work with slippers (flip flops to those not from the islands) because I was too busy ensuring my pups were taken care of. Strike one.

I bought oatmeal for breakfast. I needed sustenance since I decided last night was more of a wine and popcorn personal night off. Midway through my breakfast I ended up having it all over my lap. Strike two.

Meetings can get boring so I decided to multitask and check emails. You know, I could get through having slippers and missing out on half of my breakfast. But, I was thrown off a lot when all I read was, “I know I told you that we normally request feedback from therapists/counselors only if the applicant has received services in the past year. However, considering the circumstances surrounding why you last attended (the miscarriages), and the possibility of re-traumatization should a placement in your home reunify (and have to leave you), the therapist’s opinion on how he or she believes you would react is critical.” Strike frickin’ three.

I won’t lie. I cried. I didn’t care about the meetings. I called my husband. This is the last option, I said. This is all we have. All I could think of is, how can DSHS base whether they will allow us to become foster parents on the opinions of counselors who wanted to heavily medicate me or said that I was crazy? How can DSHS base their decision for us to become licensed parents on my mental state moons ago versus my current mental state? Have these counselors been privy to the growth and healing from these miscarriages in the last year? No. So, why hear what they have to say?

When I read the email it was fight or flight. I was ready to crumble and break. I wanted to go home and curl up and just wallow. Flight is always so strong in me. Instead, I humbled myself and asked for help. Pray, I told people.

This was my biggest fear. I was afraid my infertility would be questioned in regards to seeing if I was fit to be a parent. I couldn’t tell you how afraid I was for this.

DSHS, I implore you today, to take into account the fact that I am human. My heart has been broken multiple times. I never hid that fact from you. But, I also know, I am no longer broken. By the grace of God I have been made whole. Infertility and depression no longer define who I am.

I get it, DSHS just wants to be incredibly thorough. Not only are they ensuring they protect the children, but in a way, they are ensuring they are protecting me. I also know God knows my heart. And I believe that He will give me the desires of my heart. I wish I can tell you I am fully 100% leaning on God’s promises. But honestly, I kinda feel numb. I know what I need to do. So, the motions are being done until my head and heart can come together.

Until then…

‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord
Speak what is true

Lord, you know my heart. We pray for favor today. xoxo


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