Today I got some good news. One of my best friends is 12 weeks pregnant. Good news, right? It should have been. I was driving home when I got the news. And as soon as I saw the sonogram and her message my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I immediately felt selfish for hurting during one of the happiest times in her life. In the midst of a conversation I was having with my husband I turned inward.
At the next stop light I showed my husband the message. He grabbed hold of my hand and held on tight. He knew. He could feel my emotions struggling to be calmed. Lord, I prayed, please help me.
When we got home the only thing I could do was sit on the rocker trying to find my footing. God, its been a year of healing. I know it’s okay to hurt, but I shouldn’t right now. Not now. She needs to hear I’m okay. But, instead of a feeling of calm, the prayer began to break me.
I began to shake and I knew I needed to figure something out. I reached for my phone and voxed a friend. K, it’s me Pearl. Obviously. I could only think of you or your mom, I said. I need you to pray. I feel so stupid. So selfish. My best friend, she’s pregnant. I should be happy for her, right? I am. And yet, my heart feels like broken glass. Please pray, I begged as I lifted my finger from the speak button.
I needed to calm down. I was going to need to get this grief out. So, I put on some worship music and I jumped in the shower. As soon as the water hit my head waves of grief rocked my body. Loud sobs of failure broke the silence that I had chosen after finding out. And I cried. I cried hard, leaning into the wall to prevent myself from falling. I cried until there was nothing left.
When I could pull myself together and get out of the shower I listened to the voxed response from K, I love you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. First thing, I want to put out there. You need to remember that you feeling this way is not you being a bad person. You have wounds in your heart and that has nothing to do with her being pregnant. Other people might not understand that, they might think it’s you being a bad person, that you’re selfish. It’s not. It’s your process. And that’s okay. It really is okay to process through this. I love you. And then she prayed.
I’m telling you this because whoever you are, where ever you are, you need to know that it is truly okay. You aren’t alone in your hurt. I’m hurt too. But, I know K and B (my other best friend) is right. Processing will always take time. Healing will always take time. And we need to allow ourselves to process. We need to allow ourselves to grieve.
Whoever you are, you aren’t a bad person for feeling the way you do. So you can’t get to a baby shower? It’s okay. So it takes you a bit to congratulate a pregnancy announcement? That’s okay. It took me two hours to respond to my best friend.
Infertility is a constant battle. Miscarriages. Problems conceiving. It is hard on anyone. If you’re anything like me you want to keep your infertility a secret. The dark secret that you don’t want out. I encourage you today to not let it be a secret. When I reached out to K I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to face this alone. I didn’t want to hurt and not be able to talk about it. I wanted to process.
I can’t really say if this makes any sense to anyone. But, there is an alliance when it comes to people like us. We are strong for each other. Don’t face this alone. We are here. xoxo