Adapting to Adopting

Many couples who I know who have struggled with infertility issues found themselves pregnant during or after they have adopted. While I don’t believe adopting makes you more fertile the thought that pregnancy could happen during this process, well I’m gonna be honest and tell you that idea scares me.

Making the decision to foster or even adopt was a journey for my husband and I. We knew that there are children out there that needed a loving home and amazing parents. We also knew that our hearts were broken. We can’t provide a stable and loving home to littles if we couldn’t accept the healing that God was offering. And for a long time we couldn’t. Things were so dark and hopeless. There were days that we barely spoke to each other because of the pain of losing our son. He was our miracle baby, the one that made it past the first trimester, and losing him was a pain we couldn’t deal with.

I remember it like yesterday, the day the doctor put the wand to my tummy and her face fell. She tried to put it off that sometimes baby just likes to be stubborn. She said she wanted us to go in and get a vaginal ultrasound. She tried to stay upbeat. But, deep down I think Jeremy and I both knew what was going on. We had just seen his heartbeat not two weeks prior. Saw it. Heard it. I could feel him growing in me. Suddenly, the world began to shake and life came to a sudden halt, crashing down on us before we knew what even happened. That day was the darkest day of my life. That was the day when I looked up angry and turned away from God.

In July it will be three years since we lost him. And it’s been a long three years. The pain was so unbearable that I was sure our marriage wasn’t going to make it. It almost didn’t. When we realized that life together is the only thing we wanted we started to fight for each other instead of against each other. It’s been an incredible year and a half building each other up and finding God together. It has been a year and a half of healing.

Once we realized that we could mend from the brokenness caused by my infertility did we start to heal. The healing process has been long but so worth the journey. As we go through the foster to adopt journey it took us time to realize that it was ok. Okay to love another child like we loved our Jackson. Okay to hold a child the way we wanted to hold him. Okay to be happy as a family without him. Going down this journey required us to prepare our hearts differently then if we were expecting a child born out of my womb. So, prepare we did.

Does this take away from my want to have a child of my own? No. But, let’s be real, the thought of being pregnant again of going the first 12 weeks in fear is not how I want to live. This is not how I want to live. Foster to Adopt comes with the risk of reunification. But, it is an easier risk to bear since it allows me to at least hold a little and love him or her. To be a mother, even just for a short time, to a beautiful kiddo. Carrying a little in me comes with greater risks. xoxo

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9 thoughts on “Adapting to Adopting

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  1. Adopting doesn’t make you fertile or increase your fertility. Getting pregnant after adoption is merely coincidental, and anyone who spouts that crap about “now that you are adopting I’m sure you’ll get pregnant!” to us needs to have their mouths sewn shut.

    Btw if it were the case I wouldn’t be going through my 6th round of donor egg IVF while having waited two years now to adopt

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    1. I agree. I’ve actually had people tell me now I need to be prepared. But, the fact of the matter is it doesn’t change the fact that it can happen. And while I want it to I also, just for once, want my life to go the way I planned it. I know, never gonna happen. But, one can hope.

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      1. “it can happen” is not a fact for all of us. The legal act of adopting a child does not change one’s reproductive capabilities itself. A lot of us are in donor situations because we don’t make eggs, so it’s a fact for me and many others that even if we adopt, I will not be getting pregnant naturally. Any of those people who tell you “you need to be prepared” are being ignorant and insensitive. It’s no different than the people telling you that you just need to relax if you want to get pregnant, because they know somebody who went on vacation and that “caused” the pregnancy.

        I know what you mean about wanting just one thing to go the way you planned it but unfortunately life does whatever it wants, ya know? We thought adoption would be a sure thing,, then found out last year from our agency that we probably have another 2 to 4 more years to wait…and that is of course if the country doesn’t shut down their program in the meantime…so we are stuck with potentially not having a child in any form, and have spent well over $50,000 already…

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      2. I didn’t say it was a fact or a fact for all. Merely that it can still happen. One can become pregnant while going through the adoption process.
        I will agree that there are some really insensitive and uneducated people when it comes to how the speak to those, like us, with reproductive problems. Boy do I wish there was a way to change that.
        I probably opened up my post without clearly stating how I was feeling. I was writing more in regards to how the pain of infertility is still so very real and as we try to get over the hump circumstances can sometimes prohibit us in doing so.
        Your circumstance made my heart feel for you. I cannot imagine going through multiple procedures AND what seems like a runaround process in the adoption. I pray that favor is given to your family to be able to hold your baby sooner rather than later.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I could relate to a lot of this. We are also adopting (assuming we get approved). I can’t even tell you how many people who have said, “Watch, now you’ll get pregnant because you’re adopting”. Some people I tell you…

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    1. Exactly. I wish people could remember that sometimes being honest isn’t always a good thing. I’ve been afraid to talk with my family about it. Or people we’ve known forever only because I don’t want to hear the insensitive things come out of their mouth. While they mean well they still can be hurtful or frustrating or both.

      Liked by 1 person

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