Many couples who I know who have struggled with infertility issues found themselves pregnant during or after they have adopted. While I don’t believe adopting makes you more fertile the thought that pregnancy could happen during this process, well I’m gonna be honest and tell you that idea scares me.
Making the decision to foster or even adopt was a journey for my husband and I. We knew that there are children out there that needed a loving home and amazing parents. We also knew that our hearts were broken. We can’t provide a stable and loving home to littles if we couldn’t accept the healing that God was offering. And for a long time we couldn’t. Things were so dark and hopeless. There were days that we barely spoke to each other because of the pain of losing our son. He was our miracle baby, the one that made it past the first trimester, and losing him was a pain we couldn’t deal with.
I remember it like yesterday, the day the doctor put the wand to my tummy and her face fell. She tried to put it off that sometimes baby just likes to be stubborn. She said she wanted us to go in and get a vaginal ultrasound. She tried to stay upbeat. But, deep down I think Jeremy and I both knew what was going on. We had just seen his heartbeat not two weeks prior. Saw it. Heard it. I could feel him growing in me. Suddenly, the world began to shake and life came to a sudden halt, crashing down on us before we knew what even happened. That day was the darkest day of my life. That was the day when I looked up angry and turned away from God.
In July it will be three years since we lost him. And it’s been a long three years. The pain was so unbearable that I was sure our marriage wasn’t going to make it. It almost didn’t. When we realized that life together is the only thing we wanted we started to fight for each other instead of against each other. It’s been an incredible year and a half building each other up and finding God together. It has been a year and a half of healing.
Once we realized that we could mend from the brokenness caused by my infertility did we start to heal. The healing process has been long but so worth the journey. As we go through the foster to adopt journey it took us time to realize that it was ok. Okay to love another child like we loved our Jackson. Okay to hold a child the way we wanted to hold him. Okay to be happy as a family without him. Going down this journey required us to prepare our hearts differently then if we were expecting a child born out of my womb. So, prepare we did.
Does this take away from my want to have a child of my own? No. But, let’s be real, the thought of being pregnant again of going the first 12 weeks in fear is not how I want to live. This is not how I want to live. Foster to Adopt comes with the risk of reunification. But, it is an easier risk to bear since it allows me to at least hold a little and love him or her. To be a mother, even just for a short time, to a beautiful kiddo. Carrying a little in me comes with greater risks. xoxo