Sometimes I’ll sit in my rocker looking around the nursery. It’s almost complete. I need to find the time to pick up the crib. I look at the picture I bought for Jax that is now a prayer request for any little that lays their head in the crib. Then it hits me. The longing for a child. The child I will never get to feel grow within me.
Most days the longing isn’t there. Most days I can now confidently say that I can hug a little, hold a little, see a pregnant mama without sharp pain coursing through my heart. But, somedays like tonight I feel my tummy and the empty womb and silent tears run down my cheek. It isn’t that I am regretting this journey he and I are on. I haven’t been this excited in a long time. It’s just sometimes I miss that special bond between me and baby as baby grew within me. I only got to spend such small amounts of time with each of my littles. I can’t seem to get away from these tears tonight.
I’ve questioned so many times these circumstances. Why God, why did I have to lose another one? Or, how much more can I take Lord? What lesson are You trying to teach me? Are Your promises ever going to come to fruition? Or, Lord, why not me? I’ve had to hold on in the fire for so many years. Wanting, longing for the very thing some take for granted.
To make matters worse, I ran into an old acquaintance at the Asian market earlier today. Niceties were exchanged. She was a nice person while I worked with her so it was nice to hear what she was up to these days. Then it was my turn. Well, let’s see, I told her. We live in Vancouver now. He’s an apprentice chemist and takes courses to become lead. I’m an executive assistant. We are working on our license to foster so we can adopt.
We learned in training the stupid stuff that comes out of people’s mouths but I wasn’t prepared. Why? She asked. Why not have one of your own? Are you going to get a baby that looks like you? Or looks like Jeremy? She continued, Will your family know it’s not yours? What will happen to their real parents? You won’t be their real mom. Will you tell them they’re adopted?
I walked away from that conversation with a smile. But every part of my human existence wanted to clock her in her mouth. Why? Well, because I wanted little humans to slave over me, you know, since my uterus is fickle and tends to not want to hold any baby that my husband and I make. Ugh. How can people be so insensitive to the feelings of others?
I know this journey isn’t without purpose. I know God already has the perfect little picked for our family. I hold on to that promise He has given to me. Because of that promise I know no matter how little one gets here, they were meant for us. I just need to be patient, loving those that come into our lives unconditionally. But, tonight I think I need the help to just get through this longing. xoxo