We got our letter from our licensor today. I was soooo happy to see it even if she called me on Friday to introduce herself. She explained her process to us. Asked a bunch of questions. Allowed me to ask as bunch of questions. Told me what the game plan was. It felt like we had someone on our side.
Then we received an email: more paperwork. When will this end? On the bright side, our references got their paperwork too! Apparently a four pager. Thank you, thank you, thank you to our four references. I know it’s a lot of work and we appreciate you guys so much for being willing to step up and do this for us. Make us look pretty damn good, yes?
But, even still, more paperwork. You know, I knew that this was gonna be a process, but gees Louise! The process is really gonna get me to reflect on a lot of things. I mean, I already have been ruminating about everything. And when I say everything, I mean, everything. The process. Our home. My fear of being unable to be a great mom to which ever little comes into my home. How they’ll love Jeremy more than me. How I can’t do a girls hair. How until mere hours ago I didn’t own a single eyeliner or lipstick. How my job is going to make it difficult to get to Vancouver for a placement. How my husband loves his job but there can be issues there. Seriously been contemplating a lot of things.
How does one handle the fear of the unknown? I think that is where I’m getting stuck.
This is something Jeremy and I have wanted for 13 years, a family. Don’t get me wrong, we both have great families. We are all generally pretty close. But, Jeremy and I have always been sorta straddling the line of being in but being on the outskirts looking in. We are two people who are, by chosen design, renegaded introverts often pondering in the middle of orchestrated chaos the things going on around us. We often weigh our interactions with our families because our personalities are so different then of those around us. And adopting is no different. We have thought about this, dreamt about this, longed for this moment where we know God is going to provide the desires of our hearts. It’s just scary, you know?
Becoming foster parents so that we may adopt is becoming more real every day. More so with a licensor and our references getting their forms. I want this more than anything. I keep thinking of that conversation months ago when I was told I have no room to talk because I am not a mother. What if that person is right? I am a great aunty. My nieces and nephews adore me. But, what do I know about a sick child? A teething child? Potty training a child? What do I know about settling them when they have a nightmare? Or providing a healthy nutritious meal?
Mothers, please tell me this feeling is normal. xoxo