I Hate My Heart

One day I put my phone down and asked my husband, “Do you know what I hate most?”

“What?”

Tears roll down my face. “I hate every time I pray for my baby because I pray for her and mean it. I don’t want to mean it.”

“You don’t want to be bitter,” he tells me. More tears rolled down my face.

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A Writer’s Letter

I wanted to write him a letter.

I had things to say to him: I love you. I miss you. I pray for you. I can still feel your hugs. I can still hear your laugh. I had so many things to tell him. But, when six months came the only real thing I could do was sob.

I mourned for all of the could haves: learning how to ride a bike, potty training, first days of school and his first crush. I mourned for the memories: the nights in the ER, the nights snuggled on the sofa, the times he’d walk up to me and just hold my hand, and of the day we met and how there was an instant connection.

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Getting Too Attached

I made a connection today that has made my heart a little heavy. I spoke with a gal today who asked me about my day. I had just gotten off a video visit for my little girl and her bio dad so you can imagine the emotions that were warring in me. “It’s been a tough morning,” I tell her. Naturally she asked why and I replied, “Fostering is tough. Some days you kinda just stumble through it.”

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Forging

I woke up this morning and placed my hand on my belly. I cried but it wasn’t for what everyone would think. I cried because six years ago I did the same thing, wishing for the same thing, praying for the same thing. My heart ached knowing how much I missed you, son.

Things seem harder to get through this year. I feel like I have been placed in a blacksmith’s forger. I feel the hot fire scorching and burning every crack and blemish. Jax, I’m still questioning the refinement process. There has to be a reason for all of this right? For missing you. For losing some. For finding freedom and losing it too.

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New Normal

Writing is supposed to help but I still can’t stop crying. I miss you sweet boy. I miss you like the sun misses the sky, like the fish misses the ocean, like the moon misses the stars. I hope you’re doing well. Be safe and healthy.

Remember, Mama will always love you. Always. Until the last breath I breathe. xoxo

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Missing You

The grief hasn’t subsided. It’s been nearly three months and I still think of you everyday. No one really prepared us for the loss of you. I mean, how could they? They could tell us that it will hurt. They could tell us we’ll need time after. They could tell us all the things people tell each other after a loss. But, I don’t think anyone could really ever tell us just how broken our hearts are without you.

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A Farewell Letter

To the boy who made me a Mama,

On January 19, 2018 I looked in your eyes and knew you would change my world forever. I wasn’t worried about the details, I just knew in that instant we were in for a ride of our lives. As I hugged you goodbye for the final time today I knew one thing was certain: you are incredibly loved for the boy that you are, loved for the man you will become and loved for the precious son you will always be.

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Triggers

Dear Jax,

I didn’t put your Christmas tree up this year. It isn’t because I didn’t want to remember you. Or that I forgot about you. I have three children in the home that need me to be able to push forward and to keep going. And, sweet baby boy, as much as I know that I’m here today struggling with the triggers from the loss of you.

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